Heal Me
by Topsy
Summary: It takes a moment of weakness for Kate Beckett to admit her true feelings for her partner. Spoilers for "Knockdown" and "Knockout."


**Author's Note:** Spoilers for "Knockdown" and "Knockout."

**Summary:** It takes a moment of weakness for Kate Beckett to admit her true feelings for her partner.

**Disclaimer:** The characters of Castle to do not belong to me. I am only borrowing them for a short time.

* * *

Richard Castle is standing on a sidewalk, his arms filled with the woman in front of him, his lips desperately pressed against hers. The whole world is crystal clear around him; the steady concrete under his feet, the chilly twilight air against his skin, the silk threads of hair between his fingers.

The entire moment is delicious.

A sexy moan, the bite of teeth against his lower lip, and then a loud bang jolts through space. He barely hears it, but a moment later, something hot, wet, is in his mouth. Metallic. He steps back, startled, nearly choking on the thick, red liquid.

The woman in front of him stares at him, eyes wide, full of betrayal. Blood seeps from the hole in her chest. His arms drop to his sides as she falls to the grass at his feet.

Freshly mowed grass, sunshine, the smell of death in the air. Everything is too bright, and he looks down at the face of the woman he loves. Her beautiful hazel eyes are filled with shock, pain, accusation.

He looks down at his hands and gasps when he sees the gun there, smoking slightly, still tight in his grip. He drops it, like it's on fire, and falls to his knees.

"No," he moans. His eyes lock on her.

She gurgles, choking on the blood that slips out of the corner of her mouth.

"Kate," he whispers.

"You—" The word scrapes out from between her lips, heavy with incrimination.

"No, God, no. Please." His palms press hard against her wound, the wound he put there, but the blood bubbles through his fingers anyway. "No. No. No—"

"Dad!"

Confusion filters past the agony. His daughter's voice cuts through the misery.

"Dad! Wake up!"

Castle jerks, gasping, and shoves upright on the couch, knocking Alexis' arm away.

He is on the couch in his office, not standing over Kate's body in a cemetery. He lets out a shaky breath as a shudder runs down his spine.

"Dad, Kate's calling for you," Alexis says.

"What?" He's still trapped in the nightmare, sweat lining his brow. He wipes at it with the back of his hand, and then he hears it.

"Castle." A moan, coming from the room next door. His heart trips in his chest.

"She's calling for you, Dad, and I didn't know what to do. She sounds really bad." Alexis' voice is shaking.

He stands quickly. "Okay, it's okay, honey. You did the right thing, waking me up."

Then another moan. "Castle." His name burns through him and settles in a hard knot in his gut.

"God." He grits the word out through his teeth and scrambles for the door to his bedroom, where she's been staying since leaving the hospital. The guest room is upstairs, so letting her have his room has proved to be more practical.

He shoves his way through the doorway, and sees her, the woman of his dreams, lying on her back in his bed. She's shaking, and tears are leaking out of her eyes and into her hair. Her teeth are clenched, but a few whimpers still manage to slip through, as one of her arms stretches out toward the night stand on the other side of the bed. Her face is twisted with distress.

He sees it then, what she's reaching for – her pills. He curses quickly, amazed at how stupid he can be. He had left her pills out of reach and now she's in agony, trying to get to them. Guilt crashes through him, much like it had in his dream when he saw the gun in his hand and the betrayal in her eyes.

"Alexis, get a glass of water, please." His daughter rushes from the room.

He grabs the pill bottle and dashes around to Kate's side. "Kate, I'm right here. I've got the medicine. I'm so sorry. Just hold on."

He knows that what he's about to do will hurt her, but he makes the decision, and moves quickly. He places the bottle of pills on the nightstand within reach, then reaches down and slips his hands under her back. He hauls her up, as gently as possible, but she groans anyway, the sound strangled in her throat. She's trying to hold everything in.

"It hurts," she grits out, the words forced through her teeth.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers, over and over.

Castle sits Kate up, and then slides onto the bed behind her, before easing her down against his chest, so she's sitting. He needs her to sit up so he can give her the medication. Just as he shifts into place, Alexis rushes back into the room, a glass of water in hand. She moves to stand next to him, and he reaches for the pills.

Lately Kate's only been taking one pill at a time, even though her prescription calls for two. She's been stubbornly trying to wean herself off the medication, even though it's way too early for that. She should be taking two at a time for a least a few more days, but she won't listen to him.

This time, Castle throws caution to the wind, and unscrews the cap, dumping two tablets into his palm. She can fight him about it later. Right now his only concern is taking her pain away.

He shoves the bottle and lid onto the bedside table. He reaches for the glass of water then, taking it from his daughter. "Thank you, Alexis," he murmurs quickly, but his attention is on the woman in his arms.

"Okay, Kate." Castle croons. "I've got your medicine right here. Open up, Kate."

She does, allowing him to slip the pills between her lips. He carefully brings the glass up, steadying her jaw with one hand, and pouring the water slowly into her mouth with the other. He can't believe he manages to do it without spilling it, as bad as his hands are shaking.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees his daughter slip from the room, giving them privacy, giving _Kate_ privacy. He thanks God for her then, promising himself he is going to give her a huge hug later, maybe buy her a brand new car. Whatever she wants.

Kate swallows and he tips his wrist back, righting the glass, before putting the cup on the nightstand. Kate moans again, her head falling back onto his shoulder.

Castle's knees are pulled up, his feet flat on the bed. Kate grabs his thighs with both hands, her fingers digging ten hard points into his muscles.

He rubs his hands up and down her arms. "Okay, Kate, the medicine will kick in soon. Try to relax."

He brings his hands up and starts rubbing gentle circles on her temple. "Focus on my hands, Kate. Focus on something besides the pain. Breathe, Kate, breathe. In and out." He babbles more nonsense in her ear, his lips pressed close to the swirling shell of cartilage.

He doesn't stop whispering to her, doesn't stop rubbing the tiny circles in her skin, even when he feels her hands start to relax, a fraction at a time. Her fast-paced breathing slows, and he can feel the same thing happening to her heart rate.

Finally, finally, he feels her relax completely, the pills coursing magic through her veins. He expects her to pull away soon, to growl out his name, to break the spell. Instead, he feels her tense up again.

This time her shoulders shake, and a breath hitches in her chest. He leans further around her, and sees that her eyes are clenched shut, though a few fresh tears are slipping down her cheeks.

"Oh, Kate." He presses his cheek against her wet one. His arms drop down and circle around her, low on her stomach, away from her injury. "Please don't cry."

He knows instantly that she's embarrassed, mortified by the pain that had overtaken her, the weakness she had shown by desperately calling for him.

"I can't—" She stops, unable to finish the sentence.

"Shhh," he murmurs, reaching up with one hand to gently brush the moisture off her cheeks.

Kate still doesn't open her eyes.

"You needed the medicine, Kate. You were in pain, and I was the idiot who left them on the wrong side of the bed. I'm sorry, I didn't think."

His apology gets through to her, and she blinks open her eyes, tears catching on her lashes. "You gave me two," she says, though her voice is simply stating a fact, not accusing him.

"I had to, Kate. I can't stand—I hate seeing you in pain like that. I just wanted to make it go away as fast as I could."

Memories of his nightmare wash over him again and he shudders. The pain he had put on her face, the accusation in her eyes, it crashes into him like a tidal wave, threatening to drown him in guilt. All of this is his fault. He should have knocked her out of the way faster, taken that bullet for her.

Done something… anything… to stop _this_.

This time it's Castle who squeezes his eyes shut.

Kate reaches up, feathering her hand across his face. She feels the muscles of his face pulled tight, his eyelids scrunched shut.

"Castle," she murmurs.

He doesn't move, barely breathes.

"Rick," she says this time.

He jerks a little, his eyes opening. She can't see him, so she uses her hands to read his face. Her fingers outline the stubble on his jaw.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

"Nothing."

"Castle—" She tries to turn in his arms, and then swears when a sharp pain stabs through her.

"Kate, don't. Let me…" He doesn't really want to face her right now, not with this incredible guilt coursing through him, pumping along with his blood through his veins. The same way her embarrassment had slid through her moments before.

But Castle can't seem to deny her anything.

He shifts around her, keeping his arms steady to hold her up. He brings one leg behind her back, bending it to use as a sort of backboard for her to rest against. One arm stays along the back of her shoulders for extra support. She's relaxed, resting against him, as he awkwardly tries to curl his other leg up near his hip. He grunts with the effort, and the corners of her lips turn up slightly, before she reaches down to tug on his jeans.

"Here," she says softly, and pulls on his leg. He shifts it, so it is bent over her waist, his foot along her hip on the opposite side of her. She is between his legs still, but they are able to see each other's faces now.

He wishes they couldn't.

His nightmare is still too close to the surface. He can't shake it, especially after seeing her in so much pain. It's like the line between dream and reality has blurred and he needs to get away from her so he can find that line again, draw it dark and straight, like a deep pencil groove on paper.

He drops his eyes from hers, needing space.

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

His eyes fly to hers. He can't stop himself.

"Don't." His voice is low, scratchy, and thick with emotion. "Please don't do that." The guilt he carries can't bear much more weight.

This time it's Kate who lowers her gaze. "I hate…" Her voice wavers. "I hate for you to see me like that, for Alexis to see me like that."

"I know." Castle sighs. "I wish you didn't. Alexis is… a very strong girl, and she can handle it. She wants to help. She won't think any less of you, Kate, because you showed pain. And you know… You _know_ I won't either."

Kate nods weakly. "I know. I do, Castle, but I just… hate it."

He sighs and reaches down to squeeze her hand.

"I hate being helpless. I hate that I have to rely on someone else to do everything for me. I can't even…" She chokes on the words. "God, Castle, I can't even go to the bathroom without help. It's humiliating."

He lifts her hand and presses the back of it against his cheek. He can't help himself. He wants to comfort her, somehow… any way he can.

"You don't need to be embarrassed, Kate. I'm more than willing to help you with whatever you need."

"I know. You've…" She swallows. "You've been wonderful, Castle. So sweet about all this. I don't know how to thank you—"

"You don't have to thank me, Kate. I want to do this, okay? I know you're a strong, independent woman. But you need some help right now, and that's okay. Everyone asks for help at one time or another. This is just… your time. When you're healed, you can get back to ass kicking." He smiles. "I'll even go a round with you in the gym, if you want, let you kick my ass."

"That's just too easy, Castle. I won't even have to be fully healed to do that."

Her grin envelopes him, warms him up like sunshine.

"Ha, ha. Very funny, Detective."

"Thank you, thank you." She smiles, but her eyes are going glassy. The drugs are hitting her system full force now. She relaxes further into his leg. Her expression turns serious after a moment.

"Castle."

"Hmm."

"You doubled my dose and now I'm going to pass out." She frowns.

He smiles softly at her. "I'm sorry." He untangles his fingers from hers and gently tucks a soft strand of her hair behind her ear. "But Kate?"

"Hmm?"

"I didn't double it. I gave you the correct dosage."

"Whatever, Castle. Details," she mumbles, her eyes growing heavier. She struggles against it. "Wait."

His thumb strokes a gentle line across her cheekbone, lulling her towards sleep. She drifts for a moment, then, "Stop, Castle." She tries to bat his hand away. He chuckles. "Don't let me go to sleep yet. I need to tell you something."

"It can wait."

"No." She blinks rapidly a few times, eyes refocusing on his. She reaches down and grabs his hand again. "I want to tell you, I heard you." Her eyes clear slightly, fighting the fog.

"Heard me?" he asks, confused.

"At Roy's funeral… after I was shot."

Castle's eyes widen. Oh. That.

"And I wanted to tell you, Castle. Rick. Me too." She nods her head, a little too enthusiastically.

He chuckles slightly and strokes his thumb over hers. "You too, huh?"

"Yeah. Love you," she says.

His heart skips a beat in his chest. He wants to believe her, so desperately bad that it actually hurts.

"Uh-huh," he says. "We should talk about this when you're not high, Kate."

"I'm not!" she argues, and then grins. "Okay. Maybe a little." Her eyes slip shut, but she forces them open again. "But I'm serious." She grins, a dopey, full-wattage grin. "Promise me you'll remind me that we need to talk about this when I wake up."

"I don't think I should make that promise."

"Yes. Richard Castle, I want to hear it now. Promise me."

"Kate."

"Rick."

"Beckett."

"Castle." She giggles, and then lifts her free hand to cover her mouth. After a moment, she sighs softly and stares into his eyes. "Castle, you should kiss me."

"We'll worry about that later, Kate, because there is no way in hell I am going to do that if you're not all the way here with me."

"'Cause you wanna knock my socks off?"

He laughs then, and leans forward to brush his lips across her cheeks. "Yes."

"'Cause last time you did, you know." The memory of his dream slams in to him. A dark street, the cool air, the softness of her lips. The gunshot. The smoking gun in his hand. All of it rolls through him, bringing grief along for the ride.

"Hmmm." It takes all of his effort just to make that soft sound.

She rambles on. "Hmmm, yeah." She agrees. "It was good. Very, very good."

"Kate?"

"Yup?"

"I think you should try and sleep now. You're going to hate yourself for saying all this when you wake up."

"No." She disagrees, and her eyes start to flutter closed. Castle untangles his legs from around her, and eases her onto her back on the bed. He reaches for the blankets pooled around her thighs. Her eyes drift back open and she smiles sweetly at him.

"You're tucking me in," she murmurs happily.

He shakes his head at her with a smile on his face, and then brushes his fingers across her forehead, pushing her hair to the side. He leans forward and places a gentle kiss there.

"Go to sleep, Kate. We'll talk about all this later. Probably much, much later," he says. He's extremely glad that she hadn't managed to get that promise out of him.

She frowns and blinks heavily a few times. "I really do, you know."

"What?" His voice is soft as he tries to soothe her back to sleep.

"I love you." Her eyes seem sad, and his heart clenches in his chest. A little bit of the real Kate really is in there, just behind the drugs.

"Okay, Kate. Tell me again when you wake up, alright?"

She nods. "I will." Her eyes slip shut. "G'night, Rick."

"Night, Kate. Sweet dreams." He brushes his lips across her cheek once more, but she's already slipped under the cloud of medication.

He lies beside her for a few minutes, watching her sleep, wondering at her words. There's no way she will say them again when she wakes up, he knows, so he lies there, trying to savor the moment. He hopes that her words are the truth, that the medicine just lowered her walls and allowed her to say them. He doesn't want to think of the alternative.

His runs his fingers down her arm one last time, before getting up to go find his daughter. He owes her a hug.

* * *

Kate wakes a few hours later, feeling groggy and heavy, but not in any pain. She blinks up at the ceiling for a moment, trying to gather her bearings. Castle's bedroom. His bed, where she's essentially been trapped for the last couple of days. She sighs.

And then memories start filtering through the haze of sleep.

The intense pain she had felt earlier, that had left her breathless and moaning for help. God, it had been awful. She raises one hand and rubs her palm just under the bandage on her chest. It hadn't been that bad since she first woke up in the hospital after her surgery. When the doctors had released her from their care, she was still in pain between her doses of medication, but the drugs had been constant, so the pain had never had a chance to escalate that much. But she didn't like the medication, because it made her feel dopey and out of it, and she wanted to be _with _it again. So she wasn't taken the pills as constantly as she should. And apparently her body didn't like that very much.

Maybe Castle was right, and she should stick with the two pill dosage she'd been prescribed. The doctors had prescribed it for a reason, after all. One was enough to take the edge off, but not make her feel so stupid. But that incredible pain, it was enough to convince her to take two pills at a time for a few more days.

Anything so she wouldn't have to see that scared look in Castle's eyes again.

Alexis had been there, she remembers. Her pretty blue eyes had been filled with tears and worry. And then, Castle surrounding her, his hands stroking her skin, his voice in her ear. And finally, the drugs.

For a few moments, everything had been clear and painless. But then the delirium kicked in and she remembered, oh God, the things she had said to him.

She pushed herself up, struggling to get into a seated position. She rested her back against the headboard and tried to pull back the memories of what she had said.

Her cheeks burned as she remembered asking Castle to kiss her, telling him she had liked it before.

And then, telling him she heard him, that she loved him too. Kate buries her face in her hands and groans softly. Shit.

It isn't that she doesn't love him. She does, with a fierce desperation that has recently made itself known to her. She's loved him for a long time, but has kept it secreted away, hidden, even from herself. But since that kiss in the street, it has started to slowly surface. The freezer. The bomb. Los Angeles. Royce's letter. The hangar.

And then the bullet. The pain. Castle's hand behind her head. His whispered words.

Josh hadn't stood a chance after all that. She had broken up with him shortly after she woke up. She hadn't even thought twice about doing so once she heard that he'd gotten in a fight with Castle.

So no, she isn't denying that she loves Castle. She isn't upset that she told him. She just wishes she hadn't told him like that. She had wanted to wait a little longer, wait until she was healthy enough to _do_ something about it, to thank him properly for being there for her, for taking care of her, for _loving_ her.

She needs to make it right.

* * *

Castle is standing alone in the kitchen making dinner when he hears his name being called again.

"Castle!"

His heart stutters and the spoon he is holding clatters to the counter. He starts to take off at a run towards his bedroom, before he realizes that her voice doesn't sound like before. She isn't in pain. He slows to a walk, and then eventually stops just outside the bedroom where she can't see him.

He takes a deep, calming breath, and puts his game face on.

"Castle?"

He steps in to the room. She has managed to work herself into a sitting position, leaning against the headboard of his bed. She reaches her hand out to him.

He walks to her, as if drawn by a magnet, and reaches his hand toward hers. Their fingers clasp. Her eyes are clear as they meet his.

"I love you," she whispers, then grins at him.

"Kate." He falls to his knees beside the bed, dizzy with relief. She didn't deny it, didn't forget.

Her fingers untangle from his to run through his hair. This time, her eyes are serious. He leans into her wrist, nuzzling against her.

"I'm sorry," she says quietly.

"For what?"

"For telling you like that..."

Castle chuckles, and then pulls her hand down to press a kiss to her palm. "Want the truth?" Kate nods as he envelopes her hand between the two of his. "It doesn't really matter how you tell me, Kate. I'm just _so_ glad to hear it." He leans up and presses a sweet, yet chaste kiss to her lips.

She lifts her other hand to curl her fingers in his hair. "I love you," she whispers again softly.

He smiles so wide that his cheeks hurt. "I love you, too," he murmurs back to her.

"Castle."

"Hmm?"

"Knock my socks off."

He grins at her, and then reaches up, tangling his fingers in her hair before diving in. And he does just that.

* * *

**End Note:** This story started out how I was imagining it in my head, with Castle's nightmare. But I didn't really have the middle/end written in my head, so I just wrote the story as it popped through my fingers and onto the page. It went a completely different way than I expected. I was expecting this to be a much more serious fic than it turned out to be. But that's okay, because I think I like it this way. I hope you do, too. Let me know your thoughts!


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